I still miss you and I'm not just saying that because he's gone. There were times, 3 to be exact, when he would put his arm around me in bed and I'd wake up and call him by your name. I never got over you and inside I knew he knew...I tried to move on but you were always there and still are just alike how it's been in the past with every other guy I've tried to date. I thought about driving over to your place so many times, more than I can count, just to feel your arms around me...arms that were real. On many occasions I drove past, but coudn't bring myself to stop...I felt guilty. Guilty for wanting something so bad that I don't deserve. It's okay though...I'll rebound and try again. Maybe this time it will work...
A) Did I make a difference?
B) Did I meet any of my new year resolutions from last new years?
C) Did I take on and win a bet just to prove a point while at the same time hurting others?
D) Did I accomplish what I came to regina to do?
Well if you really knew me the answer is C. Does that make me a horrible person, maybe it does, but what else was I to do. Earlier in the year I had bet your cousin that I was over you and that by the end of the year I would be living with the guy I would pick out to date just to prove it to her. She said I couldn't do it that I wouldn't move on. Well here I am at the end of december living with this guy for the past 7 months whome I have no interest in at all. I hate his habits, his pot-smoking, his lack of adventure, his outlook on life, his laziness, and the manner in which he treats me. So I guess I didn't really win the bet after all because it was to get over you not just move on. So here I've moved on, but not over you. And now I'm stuck in this mess that all started with some bet like off some b-rated movie, but in my case it doesn't end happily ever after, I don't fall for the guy and there's no prince charming here to rescue me from this disaster. I feel I have failed and wasted an entire year of my life that would of been better spent with you if I had the chance.
I think it's time to move again. When things end up so messed up like this I run, last time it took me here, but I can still remember once where I ran until I met you. Maybe I'm hoping for that again. To run into someone who in their arms they take my worries away and can make me laugh again. He's out there and if "him" isn't "you" then me standing still isn't going to bring him to me. I'm just tired of feeling lonely when surrounded by so many people. It's this empty feeling that no one else seems to understand. It makes me sick and jealous and I don't want to be that kind of person any longer. But for so long I saw myself as the person I could be if I was being that person with you and now without you in the picture I feel deserted in the middle of nowhere. A place where I'm screaming so loudly but no one else can hear. I want the love I had once felt back, the hope that burned inside of me to spakle like before. I want my prayers to be answered, my dreams of the future to come true, and my Christmas wish of you.
It all started on the 16th of September when I had a pretty harsh argument with the guy I was seeing. It was our first one after living together for the past four months. He had told me how he has no respect for women including me because of how his past girlfriends treated him. I took this to heart and thought how in the world was I going to make this work if he doesn't have any respect for me...I mean how can you really care about someone if you don't respect them...so was he just using me then, did I become just something to pass the time? I thought I was ready to move on with someone else and things were going great until I found myself in my room that night crying my eyes out over a guy who wasn't worth my tears and that's when it happened...I thought of you. I thought about how warm and comforting your arms would feel at that moment around me...I thought about how you would tell me how much of a loser he was if we were still friends...I thought about how much I wanted you there, not him. The next evening I ran into your mother at Tim Horton's when she invited me back to her place. When I walked in the door, the only picture I saw was one of her and you at your graduation. The memories came rushingg back even faster than the night before. Within minutes of talking she started crying. She spoke of you when you were younger back in Edmonton...how all the younger kids would look up to you. I saw a mother who desperately missed a relationship with her son that she once had and I remembered how I also had longed for how things use to be between us. We spent the evening talking and praying. I had told her how we met eight years prior and about the relationship I was now in and how guilty I felt for thinking of you the night before.. She tried to explain to me how God uses time to reveal his plan for us, to push us in the right direction or send us messages and I told her my hopes for you and I ever being together again were gone. The next day she had called me to ask me some questions about taking short hand notes when out of nowhere she had made a comment that sent me once again into an emotional spin. She said that the day before when I was over was indeed September 17th when I had thought it to be the 18th. On the day that I just happen to run into your mother was the day that I had first met you 8 years earlier. From that day on I saw my relationship that I was in start heading downwards like it has in the past with other guys when I start to dwell on you. I'm starting think that somewhere subconsciously I purposely am sabotaging my relationships because in the end none of them will ever compare to you. And well not even a month after this event, my boyfriend told me he was moving out and I knew that I had done it again. I'm not sure if there is a point to this other than for me to get it out, but I would like to think there is even if I'm not sure what it is. In the meantime life goes on...I've started an awesome job and another one part-time, I have another car now and I'm enjoying my new gym membership so I guess on the surface everything looks okay, but still there's something missing...
I sat down in your chair and just stared at it in disbelief too scared to pick it up. It was one of those chastity rings that has three parts... faith hope and charity. Facing me was the ring that displayed "hope". I remembered when I gave that ring to you two years ago and how you wrote me after our argument and told me that you weren't going to keep it. I remembered the tears I cried, the pain, rejection and shame I felt for being so naive. I questioned why you still had it and if there was still hope for us. I never mentioned it to you because I didn't want to know the answer.
I saw you again last night...I lied there next to you for 3 hours. In those hours I finally came to the realization that there was no longer any hope left for us, that it really is over and I left. It was clearer than ever that I needed to move on and I'm ready now to let my heart know that it's finished that it can let you go. It's taken me eight years to figure this out, 8 years to know that you're not the one and finally I can say that I'm okay with that...or at the very least that everything wil be okay someday.
